Professional Journey

It’s All Your Fault, Literally, All of It.

I blame you. I blame you for a fear of intimacy I have carried with me since you did what you did to me. I blame you for hurt and mistrust. I blame you for the anxiety I feel every time I see my son with an adult, male or female. I blame you for the thought of someone hurting him like you hurt me every time there is a dramatic change in his behavior. I also blame you for my strength and ability to love with all I have. I blame you for my ability to trust my intuition and be aware of my surroundings and the people interacting with my son. I blame you for the incredible intimate relationship I have with my husband because before I shared that part of myself again, I made sure I fully trusted the man I gave it to. I blame you for my ability to forgive and show compassion, even to those who hurt me deeper than any other. You hurt me, but you also taught me some of the most important life lessons I could have ever learned, you taught me to rise above. You taught me the type of person I didn’t want to be. I’m a strong, beautiful, confident, loving, compassionate, and forgiving woman, and it’s all your fault. Literally, all of it.

I blame you. I blame you for abandoning me and creating this fear of losing those I love. I blame you for giving up on me because I was hard to handle. I blame you for not taking the time to get to know me better and love me through those hard days. I blame you for separating me from the loves of my life and creating voids in my childhood. I also blame you for my ability to believe in myself. I blame you for the deep rooted belief that nothing is impossible. I blame you for wanting to be better with my money so I am never in an inconsistent financial situation. I blame you for my ability to say ‘enough is enough’ when I’ve hit my breaking point and discover other options to accomplish what needs to be done. I blame you for showing me the value of family and teaching me what it’s like without them so I would appreciate when I have them. I blame you for my ability to love myself and see every could-be failure as a lesson on how not to do it next time, and the strength to create a next time. I am an incredible mom, sister, wife, and woman, and it’s all your fault. Literally, all of it.

I blame you for convincing me I was ready to be an adult too fast. I blame you for using me to manipulate your parents. I blame you for not letting me go to college when I wanted to. I blame you for my weight problems, my depression, and my anxiety about my marriage. I blame you for creating uncertainty in my ability to be loved. I blame you for lost friendships and making me miss my last few years as a ‘kid.’ I also blame you for the confidence to stand up for what is important to me. I blame you for my ability to recognize a manipulator so that I am not manipulated again. I blame you for the strength it took to go back to college and graduate with honors with an 18 month old baby. I blame you for my willpower to gain control over my weight and seek guidance to handle my depression and anxiety. I blame you for being able to identify what I’m feeling when I feel it so I can effectively process it. I blame you for my ability to value genuine friendships and choose who I share myself with carefully. I blame you for the wife I have become and the beautiful marriage I have today. I am a strong, beautiful woman, an amazing wife, an incredible mom, a college graduate, and a soldier, and it’s all your fault. Literally, all of it.

If you’re going to blame someone for the bad things in your life, you must also blame them for the good. Every experience you encounter is an opportunity to grow. Thomas Edison worked for years to refine the light bulb, trying more than 1,000 different approaches before finally succeeding. Some of his ‘failures’ taught him ways to accomplish other outcomes, but his consistent will to ‘try’ proves you haven’t ‘failed’ until you’ve stopped trying. If what you tried didn’t work, it doesn’t mean give up, it means you’ve eliminated one more idea that doesn’t work and are one idea closer to the idea that will work. If something is truly important to you, the way to accomplish the goal, is to speak it into existence, believe it with every part of your mind, body, and soul, and keep going until you get what you want. If you don’t, it’s all your fault. Literally, all of it.

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