I find myself being more of a deep thinker the older I get. Most of my insights come hours after something happens, sometimes days. I tend to react first, reflect later. Knowing this, I’ve been trying to work on my quick responses and approach things from a ‘why’ perspective more so than a ‘this is how it is’ perspective. Training at work this week drove the point home a little more for me, I had several insights and breakthroughs.
The first being that I’ve been seeking permission to be what I already am. I am a hyper person. When I’m at my best, I go ten thousand miles an hour around everyone around me. I’m up early. I’m productive. I conquer stress like it was nothing more than a speed bump. My management team knew this when they hired me. When they asked me what I could bring to the team, I told them, ‘Energy, enthusiasm, and creativity. In my current role, I am the team cheerleader, I think our supervisor team needs a cheerleader. I think that person that believes nothing is impossible empowers everyone else, and that’s me.’ What I’ve actually done, however, is tried to become that mature, responsible, heavily focused, unstoppable, and somewhat unapproachable leader that I am not. I have buried myself in my work, trying to find answers to questions that just, don’t have answers. In a way, it’s made me a little crazy.
The next being that I am deeply afraid of being abandoned. I know the history of this fear and I have battled it my entire life. This fear leads me to pushing people away before they can push me away. This one, I don’t know how to fix, but I’m working on it.
The last, that I will discuss here, is that I am enough. I am good enough. I am strong enough. I am vulnerable enough. My vulnerability doesn’t make me weaker, it makes me stronger. It’s the part of me that allows me to see the emotions of others and help them through hard times. It’s that sense that allows me to instinctively reach out to someone when they’re hurting and can’t express it verbally. It gives me the insight to read body language and pick up on the things no one wants to say. It’s a pretty powerful ability actually, and one not many have.
I share all of this because I believe deep down, in one way or another, we’re all fighting the same battle. It’s so easy to forget who you are by trying to become someone you’re not. What I’ve decided I have to do, is trust that I am where I am meant to be. My beliefs tell me that God has put me here for a reason, but you could call it fate, or the universe, or whatever makes you happy. All I ask is that you accept it. Allow yourself to fail. Allow yourself to make decisions and trust that failure will teach you and open other doors. We are human, which means, we are not perfect. The idea that we have to be perfect is why we are failing as a society. It forces us to suppress our passions and dreams to fit into a box that we didn’t belong in to begin with. We have to stop. I have to stop.